Marion United Methodist Church

Don't Be So Frightened

2011-07-20T10:41:00.000-05:00

A woman came to the hospital to visit a friend. She hadn't been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating-looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," said the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

Fitness Program?

2011-07-20T10:34:00.002-05:00

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human-resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely JUMPING to conclusions, FLYING off the handle, BEATING around the bush, RUNNING down the boss, GOING in circles, DRAGGING their feet, DODGING responsibilities, PASSING the buck, CLIMBING the ladder, WADING through paperwork, PULLING strings, THROWING their weight around, STRETCHING the truth, BENDING the rules, and PUSHING their luck!"

And then there was the wag who said: "If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees!"

Common Sense

2011-07-20T10:16:00.000-05:00

-- from PURE LIVING

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brainse, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Women are like phones. They love to be held and talked to. But if you press the wrong button you must might be disconnected!

Rule of Holes # 1: If you've gotten yourself into one, stop digging.

Be careful listening to experts: they tend to tell you what can't be done and why.

Holy, Holy, Holy

2011-07-11T12:54:00.001-05:00

Many Christians have what we might call a "cultural holiness." They adapt to the character and behavior pattern of Christians around them. As the Christian culture around them is more or less holy, so these Christians are more or less holy. But God has not called us to be like those around us. He has called us to be like himself. Holiness is nothing less than conformity to the character of God.

-- Jerry Bridges

Discipline and/or Discipleship

2011-07-11T12:50:00.001-05:00

"Discipline is the other side of discipleship. Discipleship without discipline is like waiting to run in the marathon without ever practicing. Discipline without discipleship is like always practicing for the marathon but never participating. It is important, however, to realize that discipline in the spiritual life is not the same as discipline in sports. Discipline is sports is the concentrated effort to master the body so that it can obey the mind better. Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God's guidance."

-- Henri Nouwen

Bread for the Journey

Top 10 Signs You're Not Reading Your Bible Enough

2011-07-11T12:39:00.000-05:00

10. The preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9. You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the '60s.
8. You open to the gospel of Luke, and a World War II savings bond falls out.
7. Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
6. A small family of wood chucks has taken up residence in Psalms.
5. You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the concordance or the table of contents.
4. Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3. You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2. You keep falling for it every time the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

And the No. 1 sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1. The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the shepherd boy and his ark of many colors."

New Disciplinary Move

2011-06-23T17:49:00.001-05:00

The other Sunday after worship, a young mother told how she got her fidgety child to sit still and be quiet. She said that halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Brother Wayne is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" And she added as she went out the door, "It worked!"

And then there was the time I preached on how Jesus fed 5000 men and their families with two loaves and fishes. After the service, three guys wanted to know if the fish were bass or catfish, and what bait Jesus used to catch them

Does that mean they were rednecks? Well, you might be a redneck:

If you think fast food is hitting a opossum at 75 mph.

Fifth grade was the best four years of your life.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Your goal in life is to own a fireworks stand (a new option here in Kentucky), or if

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

(Un)Common Sense

2011-06-23T17:38:00.001-05:00

The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating.
GREETING CARDS -- when you care enough to send the very best, but not enough to actually write something.
Some people quit looking for work after finding a job.
One fellow claimed to give 100% effort on the job -- the only problem was, it was 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.

Beware! New Computer Virus Discovered

2011-06-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

Even the most advanced antivirus programs from McAfee's or Norton's cannot take care of this newly classified virus.
Virus symptoms:

Tricks you into sending blank e-mails.
Results in your sending an e-mail to the wrong person.
Causes you to send the e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
Makes you forget to affix the attachment.
triggers your pressing SEND before you've finished.
Forces you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
Pressures you into clicking SEND when you should click DELETE.
Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

This virus affects only people who were born before 1958. And oh, by the way, I nearly forgot: this virus is called the C-NILE VIRUS.

Arguments

2011-06-23T17:19:00.000-05:00

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish where on the other.

-- Jascha Heifetz

One thing I've learned from my last relationship is that if an argument starts with, "What did you mean by that?" it isn't going to end with, "Now I know what you mean by that."

-- Unknown

Eternal LIfe

2011-06-23T17:10:00.000-05:00

One summer, two pastoral students from a Christian college in Alabama were doing evangelistic work door-to-door in a rural area. One hot day, they came up to a farmhouse through a gauntlet of screaming children and barking dogs. They knocked on the screen door. A woman stopped her scrubbing over a tub and washboard, brushed back her frazzled hair, wiped perspiration from her brow and asked them what they wanted. "We would like to tell you how to obtain eternal life," one student answered.
The tired homemaker hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Thank you, but I don't believe I could stand it!"

Who Gets the Toy?

2011-06-23T17:05:00.000-05:00

Tom had won a toy at a raffle, and called his five kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. The children all stared back at him in silence. Then he asked, "Who never talks back to mother?" Again, the kids appeared to be mystified by the question. Then Tom asked, "Who does everything she says?" With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

On Walking

2011-06-23T16:53:00.000-05:00

I know I need to be more disciplined about walking. But I did enjoy these Walking One-Liners in Homiletics magazine:

I joined health club last year; spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

Death and Dying

2011-04-05T17:35:00.000-05:00

Some older fellows were having a conversation about death and dying. The question came up, "What would you want people to say about you at your funeral?"
One replied, "I'd want people to say, 'He was a great and compassionate humanitarian who cared about those in need.'"
A second said, "I'd want people to say, 'He was a good father and husband, whose life was a fine example for others to follow.'"
A third answered, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

A letter allegedly sent to a client by the Depart of Social Services in Greenville, South Carolina:

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.

What You Heard Me Say Is Not What I Thought I Said

2011-04-05T17:27:00.000-05:00

A man told that many years after receiving his graduate degree, he returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crosded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. He remarked that the elevator hadn't changed in the 20 years since he began there as a student.
When the door finally opened, he felt a compassionate pat on his back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at him. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a kind of virtue."

Be Careful Whom You Imitate

2011-04-05T17:23:00.000-05:00

In The Song of the Bird, Anthony de Mello told about a man who, while walking through the forest, saw a fox that had lost its legs. He wondered how it lived. Then he saw a tiger come along with game in its mouth. The tiger ate his fill and left the rest of the meat for the fox to eat.
The next day, the man saw that the fox was fed in the same way. He marveled at God's greatness and declared, "I, too, shall just rest in a corner with full rust in the Lord, and He will provide me with all I need." He waited for many days, but nothing happened. He was close to dying of starvation when he heard a voice say, "O you, who are on the path of error, open your eyes to the truth! Follow the example of the tiger and stop imitating the disabled fox."

Winning the Race

2011-04-05T17:15:00.000-05:00

The stadium was nearly empty. More than an hour earlier, the winner of the marathon in the 1968 Olympic Games in Mexico City had crossed the finish line. As the last spectators prepared to leave, John Stephen Akhwari of Tanzania hobbled into the stadium. His leg was bandaged and bloody. A fall during the race had deeply cut and dislocated his knee. Through obvious pain, he pressed on to become the last of 57 competitors to finish the race, a race that had begun with 74. When asked by a reporter why he hadn't give up, Akhwari paused as if mystified by the question. "My country did not send me 5,000 miles to Mexico City to start the race. They sent me 5,000 miles to finish the race."
It is wonderful, and the angels sing in heaven, when any person believes on Jesus Christ, and they begin their spiritual journey. But the greatest triumph is to those who not only begin well, but end well. That doesn't mean there may not be some falls along the way that leave us "bruised and bleeding," but Jesus didn't die on the cross for us just to begin well. He died there, so that we might end well, and thereby dwell with him in eternity.

On Travel

2011-04-05T12:29:00.000-05:00

Since some of our members are touring with a school group in Greece this week, I offer some thoughts on travelling:

Some tips on packing: When preparing to travel, lay out all of your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.

-- Susan Heller

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears.

-- Cesare Pavese

The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page.

-- St. Augustine

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

-- Mark Twain

Life is a journey, not a guided tour.

-- Unknown

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

-- Mark Twain

[Nor is that bad advice for Lenten disciples -- as we seek our Master in that same spirit.]

Made for another world

2011-04-05T12:16:00.000-05:00

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world."

-- C. S. Lewis

So Much ....

2011-04-05T12:12:00.000-05:00

Wow! So much has happened since I was last on here. Sciatica, "flu," kidney stones, blood pressure gyrations, our church secretary's illness, and so many other members facing dire illnesses and the loss of loved ones and friends. These have felt like desert days for many of us -- and I need to remember Jesus and His desert days -- the Temptation, the scorn, the opposition, Gethsemane, and finally the Cross. All were desert days, as He pressed on to do the Father's will. And that's just it ... He pressed on. When we feel the "heat" of our situation, breathless and weak, it's all too easy for us to give up, rather than pressing on. But if we stop to ask WWJD (What would Jesus do?), we'll find we must answer: "Keep praying, keep trusting, keep obeying, keep loving." It's not a matter of not knowing WHAT to do. It's a matter of WILL I do it? Praying, trusting, obeying, loving ... that ought to keep me busy as I wait for Easter.

Is This Your Experience of Retirement?

2011-01-10T15:03:00.003-06:00

Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is not enough time to get everything done. (Ha! And you thought things would get better when you retire!)

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They're the only ones who have the time.

Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal.

Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
A: The never-ending coffee break.

Are YOU the Answer to Someone's Prayer?

2011-01-10T14:59:00.003-06:00

When Neil and Carol Anderson arrived in a Folopa village in Papua New Guinea, to being their Bible-translation work, a village elder sat them down. He said, "I have to tell you why you're here." The Andersons were very interested to know why, so they said, "Oh? Tell us."
The elder explained that some time earlier, an evangelist had come to their area and shared the gospel with them. They had started a church, but the evangelist had to leave for another village. The people lamented. "What will we do now? We don't know anything about God and Chrisianity!" The evangelist told them, " I want you to pray that God will send you a missionary." A few years later, the Andersons showed up to work on Bible translation, and everyone was very excited.
The elder said, "You thought you came here all on your own, but you didn't. We'd been praying that you would come. God put his leash on your arm, and he pulled you here."

Some Thoughts on Aging

2011-01-10T14:49:00.003-06:00

A reporter was interviewing a 104-yr.-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
Her simple reply: "No peer pressure."
.
.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them 50 years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first.
The second said, "Fifty years from now, I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"
"Me?' said the third -- "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"

Child's Perception of Baptism

2011-01-10T14:39:00.002-06:00

This Sunday past was The Baptism of the Lord. But a child's perceptions of things can lead to amusing comments. For instance, a father was in church with three of his young children, including his 5-yr.-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was baptizing a tiny infant. The little girl was taken by this, observing that the minister was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

The little girl's perception is understandable. But since brainwashing carries the negative connotation of being a kind of weapon, let's see baptism as the heartwashing it is. No, don't expect me to suddenly begin splashing water on people's chests. But baptism WILL change the way we think, and feel, and act. So, yes, Lord, wash my brain, my heart, my soul, and make me pleasing in Your sight!

Notes from a New Calendar

2011-01-10T14:12:00.003-06:00

When the time was right,
the sea parted,
the walls fell down,
the lions went hungry,
the sun stood still,
the waves were calm,
the stone was rolled away,
the clouds were parted,
the Lord ascended ...
And when the time is right,
the King of kings will return.

God is never early and He's never late --
He's always right on time and His plan for you is good.

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
--Jeremiah 29:11

Words of Wisdom

2010-10-20T15:52:00.002-05:00

Before you speak, Listen.
Before you write, Think.
Before you pray, Forgive.
Before you quit, Try.

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Snickers (Not the Candy Bar)

2010-10-20T15:14:00.006-05:00

Heathcliffe told his buddies, "Gertrude was really upset when I didn't give her a birthday present this year. But then, she hasn't used what I gave her last year."
"What did you give her last year?" they asked.
Heathcliffe answered, "A cemetery plot."
.
.
While a little guy was sitting at a restaurant counter and staring at his coke, a big guy walked over, picked up the coke and drank every drop.
As the little guy began to cry, the big guy apologized and said, "Don't cry. I'll buy you another."
The little guy replied, "You don't understand. I've had a terrible day. When I got to work this morning my boss fired me. When I walked out to my car I found it had been stolen. I got a cab home and left my wallet in the cab. When I walked into my home my wife said she wanted a divorce. And now, as I was getting ready to kill myself, you just drank my poison!"
.
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A man once hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. Throughout the sit-down dinner, one co-worker's 4-yr.-old daughter stared at him unceasingly. In fact, she was staring at him so hard she could hardly eat her food.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place and a myriad assortment of other things, but nothing stopped her from staring. He tried his best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for him.
"Why are you staring at me?" he finally asked the girl.
Everyone had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet to hear her response.
The little girl replied, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

Uncommon Common Sense

2010-10-20T15:04:00.002-05:00

When I stand before the Lord, I'd rather explain why I failed to accomplish His will, rather than why I didn't try. -- Stephen Seaford

A clear conscience may be nothing more than the sign of a bad memory. -- Unknown

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction. -- Unknown

Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel!

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. -- Erma Bombeck

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It may give you something to do, but it gets you absolutely nowhere.

Thanks to YOU, Marion (and Marion UMC)

2010-10-20T14:46:00.002-05:00

You may have seen this info in other places, but I want to include here a brief recap of how things went with our IMPACT '10 Event. A number of volunteers invited people to donate cleaning supplies and personal care items as they stood outside Pamida, Food Giant, Conrads, and the Family Dollar store on Sept. 11 and 18. Thanks to the volunteers and to the stores for working with us to allow the volunteers to be there. On Sept. 25, the day of the event, there were 67 registered volunteers (and evidence of others who worked but did not get a registration form.) Our project included giving away cleaning supplies and personal care items, getting into homes to make minor repairs, and cleaning up downtown streets. Volunteers from First Cumberland Presbyterian helped us there.
With the cleaning supplies/personal care items, we were able to share with 60-65 people/families. At least two shopping runs had to be made to replenish our supplies.
With the home repairs, lives in at least 12 homes were touched. A client from our food pantry also signed up and worked a long, hard day at cleaning and repairing at a local business.
And with the street clean up, a lot of ground was un-covered of trash. Along with some members from the church, at least 18 boy scouts and leaders helped us, as did 11 students and leaders from the highschool FBLA club. The full downtown length of Main St., and a block either side of Main St., were cleaned. The team also picked up at Veteran's Park, Greenwood Heights, and the roads around the City Park.
Different needs + different volunteers + different skills + plus the willingness to serve = A great day of IMPACT for our Community.

Top 10 Predictions for the Remainder of 2010

2010-08-19T15:31:00.008-05:00

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.

2. Prayer will still be the most powerful thing on Earth..

3. The Holy Spirit will still move.

4. God will still honor the praises of His people.

5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.

6. There will still be singing of praise to God.

7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.

8. There will still be room at the Cross.

9. Jesus will still love you.

10...Jesus will still save the lost when they come to Him.

Remember WHO Is Really In Control,

and, "the Word of the Lord endures forever."

( 1 Peter 1:25 )

-- Courtesy Brenda H. Glover,

Madisonville District Director of Discipleship and Leadership Development

Pastoral Visits

2010-08-17T13:48:00.007-05:00

A Lutheran minister, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. After a few moments of talking and prayer, he leaned over and gave her a big kiss, then said as he left the room, "You're the greatest!"

Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is a lot friendlier than mine!"

________________

And then there was the ailing elderly woman who, in spite of the pleadings of her children, refused to see a doctor. She didn't get any better, so they finally decided to call in a doctor anyway. When he arrived, they showed him into their mother's bedroom, where he proceeded to give her a thorough examination. Finally, he finished and went back where the family was anxiously waiting.

"How is she, doctor?" they anxiously inquired.

"Oh, just give her one of these each day and she should be right as rain in a week," and he handed them a bottle of pills.

After he left, they went in and circled Mama's bed. "What did you think of the new doctor, Mama?"

"Oh, that explains it. I thought he was awfully familiar for the preacher!"

Wha'?

2010-08-17T13:45:00.001-05:00

Jasper came home and said to Julia, "I've just found a great job! It requires only twenty hours a week, no overtime, or weekends, and it pays $500."
Julia agreed. "It sounds wonderful!"
Jasper agreed. "I thought so, too. You start Monday."

Pride Goeth Before A....

2010-08-17T13:34:00.001-05:00

A former high school jock was with his wife of ten years while eating breakfast. Glancing at the paper, he noticed that a beautiful actress was about to marry a football player known for his lack of intelligence and outlandish behavior.
The former jock said to his wife, "I don't understand why the biggest jerks get the most beautiful wives."
Her instant reply was, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Please Obey the Speed Limit

2010-08-17T13:19:00.003-05:00

This is a bit long, but hoped you might enjoy it:
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding, and the following exchange ensued.
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?
Driver: Yes, Sir.

Upon hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car.)
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun it it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box and had a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Which Values?

2010-08-17T13:08:00.003-05:00

From Homiletics magazine:
At election time, we Christians are often encouraged to "vote our values." Yet the real question is: What are the values we're supposed to vote?
The truth is, many people who use that phrase have a rather limited range of values in mind. What they're talking about, to be perfectly frank, is sex. What's often conspicuously absent from their so-called moral discussion is any mention of that other great moral topic: money.
In the Bible, money issues are just as much a part of morality as are questions of sexual ethics. This is crystal clear in Colossians 3:5 -- "Put to death, therefore, whatever in you is earthly: fornication, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed (which is idolatry)."
Too often we are willing to uphold "biblical morality," citing the first part of the verse, but not so willing to consider the second. There you have it, in black and white; it couldn't be more clear. The Bible considers greed to be just as serious a moral failing as licentious behavior.
__________________________

What's the deal with such selective blindness? Is it that if we focus on the sins WE'RE not doing, then we draw attention away from the ones we are? But, IS THAT HONEST?

Oh, Lord, give me an honest heart ... one that can see (and take care of) MY sins. Only then may I pray for and lovingly counsel those who may be involved in some other form of self-destruction. Amen.

Funeral Preparations

2010-08-17T11:13:00.004-05:00

The elderly gentleman lay dying in his bed, when suddenly all thoughts of his passing were pushed aside by the wonderful aroma of his favorite home-made chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. With his last remaining strength, he struggled out of bed, and leaning against the wall, slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, got down the stairs by gripping the rail with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
On the table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was this heaven? Or was it one final act of devotion from his wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. His aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm, soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? The man looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand. "Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral!"

Final Tally on VBS Offering for Corona de Vida

2010-07-15T10:36:00.008-05:00

The Galactic Blast Cadets at VBS worked feverishly to get their "rockets" to Space Station Corona de Vida with their offerings. Each night, each class's offering pushed their rocket a little further toward the goal, and by Sunday night's closing celebration, with help from the adults, they reached $425.25 to send for children's ministries at our district's Mission Congregation -- Corona de Vida.

This is FANTASTIC! However, Corona de Vida is worthy of your prayers, always (and your offerings, as the Lord leads.) Thank you for ALL your support!

When to Worry

2010-07-15T10:22:00.003-05:00

You're allowed to worry ... but only if one of these seven things is true:

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and stays stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
Your wife says, "Good Morning, Bill" ... and your name is George.

Other than these, you don't have anything to worry about.

-- Author Unknown

A Little Humor

2010-07-12T15:47:00.005-05:00

I got food poisoning yesterday. I don't know when I'll use it.

-- Comedian Stephen Wright

They've invented a new car that runs on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf.

-- Jay Leno

Today is Bring Your Dog to Work Day.

In China, it's known as Bring Your Lunch to Work Day.

-- Unknown

I don't have pet peeves. I have KENNELS of IRRITATION.

-- Unknown

And this one (true story) from Matthew and Amy Hardin:

They were in Paducah the other day, and had Lucas in the Mall. As they walked down the halls, every time a bald man walked by, Lucas would say, "Hello, Brother Wayne!"

I just think I'm like the Skin Horse in The Velveteen Rabbit. I've just had all the fur loved off! And that makes me real!

2010-07-12T14:26:00.003-05:00

Vacation Bible School Galactic Blast has come and gone, and wouldn't you know it? A big, green gorilla stole the show. Yes, the kids loved the antics and sassy talk of Galileo (who turned green after swimming through all the green food in the cafeteria when he turned off the artificial gravity.) Galileo helped us learn a lot about being "green," that is, taking care of the earth, and decided that being green is pretty cool -- so he's staying that way.

Shawna Thomas and Christie Hughes directed the school, but there were a host of volunteers who helped make this special week possible. My heartfelt thanks to ALL of you.

If you missed the closing celebration on July 11, we're here to tell you -- our kids have LUNGS!!! But they were using those lungs to shout "Praise God!" so it was OK. Check out the pics below!

2010 VBS Galactic Blast Pictures

2010-07-12T14:24:00.000-05:00

Here are just a few of our Cadets!

Actually, Dottie wasn't a Cadet, she was our Mess Captain

(she ran the Astro Bistro, with lots of fun snacks!)

More VBS -- Galactic Blast

2010-07-12T14:23:00.004-05:00

2010 Galactic Blast Directors

R: Shawna Thomas, Director of Children and Student Ministries

L: Christie Hughes, co-director and Galileo's voice

Behind every Green Gorilla stands (or lies) a Great Woman!

Ah! Dining in the Astro Bistro!

.
.

Even GALACTIC PRAISE Cadets need shore leave!

.
.

Bible Story scenes: Cave at Mt. Horeb, Jericho

Neat Experiments take place on the starship Galactic Praise with scientists Jody and Adria Porter
.

Crafts in Space! Sounds like a great new reality TV show!

.
.

All right, Crew! 30 demerits for being out of uniform!

.
.

Rocket Snacks from Crewman Dottie and Crewman Carolyn

Now entering ...

... the dark, but glowing, depths of Outer Space!

Follow-Up to STRENGTH FOR SERVICE

2010-07-11T14:21:00.003-05:00

Our congregation's offering to STRENGTH FOR SERVICE to provide devotion books to soldiers came to $210. That will produce and ship 42 books to soldiers, whose lives will definitely be touched by your gifts. Thank you so much for this offering. I'm so pleased we could do this. (Updated 7-15-2010.)

STRENGTH for SERVICE Sunday

2010-06-21T10:15:00.006-05:00

.....With July 4 coming on Sunday this year, we feel it is a great opportunity to have a STRENGTH FOR SERVICE Sunday. Strength for what kind of service, and where? Our Armed Forces.

.....STRENGTH FOR SERVICE is a devotional book designed especially for those in the Service, and for those who love them. It began back in the World War II era, first published in 1942. But Evan Hunsberger, a Boy Scout, found the copy his grandfather had carried with him through World War II. He decided to republish the volume in honor of his grandfather as his Eagle Scout project. With slight updates to the text, and with additonal material from today's religious leaders, the book has been republished after three years of hard work. This book has brought comfort and encouragement to many soldiers and their loved ones, and now we can have a part in spreading it around.

.....CW2 Billy Myers says, "I use the STRENGTH FOR SERVICE devotional book every day. Sometimes I get behind, but I catch up. I had been looking for a copy of the book for almost six months, and I finally found two copies while I was passing through Ali A Saleem on the way back to Iraq from leave. I sent one to my mother-in-law, and kept one for myself. She had been looking for a devotional that she and I could both use from opposite sides of the globe. Since then, my wife has expressed interest in taking up daily devotions as well."

.....Captain Daniel Knaup of Whitehall, Ohio says, "I really appreciate these wonderful books. My soldiers cannot get enough of them -- every deployment briefing that I give, I get an overwhelming request from soldiers for these.

....C.A.R.E. packages from home are great, but when the last cookie crumbs and chewing gum are gone, STRENGTH FOR SERVICE will still be there as an encouragement for our soldiers. $5.00 will print and ship one book.

.....Wouldn't you like to be a part of lifting up our soldiers? Come prepared on July 4 to present an offering for this project! The General Commission on United Methodist Men is in strong support of this ministry (the volume is published by the United Methodist Publishing House.) Don't you think this is a great way to make a difference in some soldier's life? Where else can you get that kind of return on a $5 investment?

Threat is over for three months

2010-05-24T11:45:00.001-05:00

Little Billy went up to his teacher and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my dad said if I didn't get better grades, someone is going to get a spanking!"

Tragedy

2010-05-24T11:40:00.003-05:00

A mother told her two blond daughters that at her death she wanted to be buried at sea. They drowned trying to dig the grave.

[I'm sorry for passing that one on -- I just washed my fingers and can't do a thing with them!]

Could it just be?

2010-05-24T11:38:00.004-05:00

Perhaps you heard Jay Leno's comment -- worth considering and passing along:

With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mudslides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of swine flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

On Being Green

2010-05-24T11:25:00.003-05:00

After the crinkly, noisy sermon of 5-23-2010 (the new Sun Chip bags are extremely noisy), I thought I might as well offer some other observations on conservation and planetary health.

An energy-conservation fanatic is on his deathbed surrounded by his family. He asks, "Is my wife here?" She replies, "Yes, I'm here, Dear." He asks, "Are my children here?" They reply, "Yes, we're here, Father." He asks, "Are my grandchildren and neighbors here?" They all say, "Yes, we're here!" Then he lifts himself out of bed and points out the door. "Well, if everyone's here, why are the lights and television on in the living room?"

An energy-savvy consumer replaced all the windows in her house. She had expensive, double-insulated, energy-efficient windows installed. Twelve months later, she received a call from the contractor, who complained that the work had been done for a year, but she had failed to pay for it. She quickly replied, "The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"

The Church Has Left The Building

2010-05-24T11:20:00.005-05:00

Radio host John Young recently posted this on crosswalk.com:

I saw a group of people eagerly passing out snacks and hot cocoa on an Atlanta street. The group was dressed in a uniform of sorts that read "The Church Has Left The Building."

Surprisingly, the church name wasn't on the shirt. No plug. No quotas being met. No guilt being given in the form of "We fed you, now come visit us." That a church would simply want to serve -- without any apparent effort to self-promote -- is rare, indeed, in our culture today.

Let the church hear this as a prophetic word!!

Say What?

2010-05-24T10:53:00.003-05:00

While I have no way of verifying these comments, they are supposed to be transcripts of things people actually said in a court of law. At any rate, they're good for a chuckle.

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: You went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

It is always wise procedure to make sure the brain is functioning properly before engaging the mouth!

Perseverance

2010-05-03T11:40:00.002-05:00

You win some, you lose some, and some get rained out. But you gotta suit up for them all.

-- J. Askenberg

Unconditional Love

2010-05-03T11:33:00.002-05:00

Listen to Henri J. M. Nouwen, in his book, Bread for the Journey:

We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn't approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God's love. Evil does not belong to God.
God's unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God's ever-present love.

True Value

2010-05-03T11:32:00.001-05:00

God's love doesn't seek value; it creates value. It is not because we have value that we are loved but because we are loved that we have value.

-- William Sloane Coffin

Follow the Leader

2010-05-03T11:29:00.002-05:00

S.I. McMillen, in his book None of These Diseases, tells a story of a young woman who wanted to go to college, but her heart sank when she read the question on the application form that asked, "Are you a leader?" Being both honest and conscientious, she wrote, "No," and returned the application, expecting the worst. To her surprise, the young woman received this letter from the college:
Dear Applicant: A study of the application forms reveals that this year our college will have 1, 452 new leaders. We are accepting you because we feel it is imperative that they have at least one follower."

A Glimpse at Golf

2010-05-03T11:24:00.001-05:00

John, an avid golfer, came in from the course one Saturday. His wife, Mary, asked him with whom he had played that day. He said, "Oh, no one in particular."
She asked, "Why don't you play with Bill anymore?"
John replied, " Would you like to play golf with someone who throws his clubs, swears all the time, lies about his scores, moves his ball in the rough, and won't stop talking while you're trying to play a shot?"
"Of course not!" exclaimed Mary.
John said, "Well, neither does Bill."

Too Simple

2010-05-03T11:13:00.002-05:00

An arrogant astronomer approached a minister at a party. "Pastor," the astronomer smugly asked, "Wouldn't you agree that all of Christian theology could be summed up in this simple song, "Jesus loves me, th is I know, for the Bible tells me so"?
"Yes," the pastor replied, "if you would agree that all of astronomy can be summed up in this song, "Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!"

As simple as it is to move into a relationship with God ("Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you shall be saved") there are unfathomed depths of God's grace, mercy, love and forgiveness waiting for us to begin our exploration ... depths of many magnitude greater than the farthest reaches of the universe. Praise be to God Almighty!

Perfect Safety

2010-05-03T11:09:00.002-05:00

In the forest fire, there is always one place where the fire cannot reach. It is the place where the fire has already burned itself out. Calvary is the place where the fire of God's judgment against sin burned itself out completely. It is there that we are safe.
...........................-- Corrie ten Boom

Huh?

2010-05-03T10:59:00.003-05:00

A fellow always stopped at the pretzel stand outside his workplace, place $2 on the counter, but didn't take a pretzel. One day, the stand operator said, "I've got something I'd like to say to you."
"Oh, I know," the fellow says, "You want to know why I put down $2 every day and don't take a pretzel, don't you?"
"No," said the vendor, "I just wanted to tell you they've gone up to $2.50."

Now, can anyone tell me why once we've experienced a blessing for awhile, we begin to assume it's ours by right, and we get upset if it stops. We may never have asked for it. We didn't earn it. But we just ASSUME it will keep on and on. Somewhere it changes from a gift for which we're thankful, and turns into an obligation which we expect to be fulfilled.

How marvelous is God's patience with us, even when we're ungrateful!

How to Travel

2010-05-03T10:53:00.002-05:00

A man at the airline counter tells the rep, "I'd like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London."
The rep says, "I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that."
The man replied, "Nonsense. That's what you did the last time I flew with you."

Thoughts on Temptation

2010-05-03T10:26:00.005-05:00

I remember a recurring sketch on some old kid's show called "How NOT to do things." Here are some thoughts on temptation that would have fit there:
.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde
I couldn't help it. I can resist everything except temptation. -- Oscar Wilde
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again. -- Korman's Law
Ever notice that the whisper of temtation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty? -- Earl Wilson
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

And a note about how we rationalize our sins, turning vice into "virtue":
.

I'm not committing adultery; I'm just finding the love I need.
I'm not living a greedy lifestyle of overconsumption; I'm just pursuing the American Dream.
I'm not acting unecthically when I cheat my customers; I'm just following the laws of the marketplace.
I'm not abusing my child' I'm just enforcing a little discipline.

Temptation we can resist. But if we mix it with rationalization, we're headed for trouble. That's a very dangerous combination, and NEVER leads to anything good.

Anyway

2010-04-08T15:21:00.003-05:00

The following poem, by Kent M. Keith, was found on the wall of Mother Teresa's children's home in Calcutta, India.

Anyway

People are often unreasonable,

illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you

of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some

false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,

it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

A Little Murder

2010-03-03T14:36:00.003-06:00

Kids are GREAT ... for ALL kinds of reasons. One mom reports:

One Sunday evening while my husband was away, I was sitting in church with my two boys, ages 2 and 4. I didn't expect that they would listen to very much; I was just content that they were quiet. When the Scripture in Matthew 5:22 "anyone who hates his brother will be guilty of murder" was read, I heard the small worried voice of my 4-year-old say, "Uh-oh."

-- Linda Eberly

A Kid's Take on Love

2010-03-03T14:20:00.002-06:00

What kids think it means to truly love someone:

Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way.
When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis, too. That's love.
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad, but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings.
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay.
If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them.
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they've known each other so well.

Again, I'd like to add one of my own: Love is getting to be the pastor of a congregation like Marion United Methodist Church!!!!! WG

Reasons to Praise

2010-03-03T14:10:00.003-06:00

One writer gives us not just food, but an entire meal, for thought:

I am thankful:

For the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight because she's home with me and not out with someone else.
For the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato because he's home with me and not out at the bars.
For the teenager who's complaining about doing dishes because it means she's at home, not on the streets.
For the taxes I pay because it means I'm employed.
For the mess to clean up after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snugly because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work because it means I'm out in the sunshine.
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I'm capable of walking and I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
For the woman behind me in church who sings off key because it means I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in the early-morning hours because it means I'm alive.
For the crazy people I work with because they make work interesting and fun.
And finally, for too much e-mail because I have friends who are thinking of me.

And if I could add one to the list: I'm thankful even when we here at church move through a time of grief together, because it means we can feel, and love, and care, and support, and know God's presence when the pain seems unbearable. WG

Gratitude?

2010-03-03T14:04:00.002-06:00

I liked this story, and it just might give you an idea if you never hear back from gift recipients.

One Christmas, Mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother, never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandmother told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

A Man of Few Words

2010-03-03T13:52:00.003-06:00

Says Stephen Fried: They say Eskimos have a hundred words for snow. But that's nothing. Husbands have one word that can mean at least a hundred things.
That word is uh-huh.
It's a simple five-letter word that has led to more marital four-letter words than any other. Wives know that if their husbands could, they probably would respond "uh-huh" to every sentence spoken to them. And because "uh-huh" can basically be defined as any variant of "yes," "maybe," or "are you talking to me?" wives never know what we really mean.
I'm thinking this could be why the law always insisted that, at weddings, we come right out and clearly say, "I do."

Fellows, does your style of communicating give the lie to Mr. Fried's observation? I hope so! WG

The Joys of Committee Work

2010-03-03T13:39:00.004-06:00

Oh, give me a pity, I'm on a committee,
Which means that from morning to night,
We attend and amend and contend and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur, we defer and demur
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda
And consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose
And the points of procedure are fun!
But though various notions are brought up as motions
There's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve, but never dissolve
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee,
Where else could we make such a fuss?
...............................................-- Phong Ngo

A committee defined: A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. But it all sounds great in a campaign speech.

-- Richard Long Harkness

To get something done, a committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.

-- Robert Copeland

A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.

-- David Coblit

A committee is the perfect weapon to kill time.

Thoughts on CHURCH

2010-03-03T13:30:00.004-06:00

The problem is not that the churches are filled with empty pews but that the pews are filled with empty people.

-- Charlie Shedd

The church is the great lost-and-found department.

-- Robert Short

Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.

-- G. K. Chesterton

And here's another word from Chesterton: The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.

Hung Up on Prestige

2010-03-03T13:26:00.004-06:00

A Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the radio operator into the microphone.
Finally, a faint reply crackled over the static, "I'm executive vice president of First Global Bank. Please hurry!"

Good for a Chuckle

2010-03-03T13:21:00.003-06:00

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- THINK! The next day, when he went to the restroom, he noticed that right below his sign, next to the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign that read THOAP!

You just never know how literal-minded folks will be when you try to communicate something!

Little Ears

2010-03-03T13:20:00.002-06:00

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said!

Be Careful!

2009-11-14T18:25:00.002-06:00

Not that any of my readers would need this for themselves, but you might know someone you could pass it along to.

The Stages of Drunkenness

Smart: Got all the answers. Just ask me!
Good Looking: Totally irresistible to the opposite sex.
Rich: Money? No problem! How much do you need?
Strong: Can whip anybody, anytime, anywhere.
Stupid: Can't walk, talk, think, and doesn't know it.

Too Close

2009-11-14T18:16:00.002-06:00

Penned on the wall in the ladies' room: My husband follows me everywhere.

Written just below was: I do not!

Remember?

2009-11-14T18:14:00.001-06:00

When the 3-year-old boy opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His mother was not so pleased. She turned to her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
The grandmother smiled and replied, "I remember."

For the Hunting Season

2009-11-14T18:10:00.003-06:00

Fritz and Frieda went camping in the mountains and took Frieda's mother along. Fritz and Frieda returned to the campsite from a walk to find a huge, mean-looking bear face-to-face with Frieda's mom.

Frieda screamed to Fritz. "You've got to do something or there's going to be bloodshed.

Fritz answered, "I'm staying out of it. The bear got himself into this mess. He can get himself out!"

Depositing Happiness

2009-11-14T18:02:00.002-06:00

One summer day, a petite and well-poised 92-year-old woman, who fully dressed herself, put on makeup and fashionably coiffed her hair before 8 am each morning, moved into a nursing home. Her husband of 70 years, a beloved pastor in their community, had recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, her escort provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheet that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated, with the enthusiasm of an 8-year-old who'd just received a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. How the room is arranged has nothing to do with whether or not I will like it ... it's how I have arranged my mind. I have already decided to love it!"

She went on to share, "Each morning when I wake up, I choose to be positive and work with what I have, not dwell on what I have lost. As long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life."

Just Between Us, Summer 2009

What Do You See?

2009-11-09T09:39:00.003-06:00

One day a certain old, rich man of a miserable disposition visited a rabbi, who took the rich man by the hand and led him to a window. "Look out there," he said. The rich man looked into the street. "What do you see?" asked the rabbi.
"I see men, women and children," answered the rich man.
Again the rabbi took him by the hand and this time led him to a mirror. "Now what do you see?"
"Now I see myself," the rich man replied.
Then the rabbi said, "Behold, in the window there is glass, and in the mirror there is glass. But the glass of the mirror is covered with a little silver. No sooner is the silver added than you cease to see others but see only yourself."

Need Directions?

2009-11-09T09:32:00.003-06:00

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him. He drove the cat 20 blocks from his home and left him at the park. As the man arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, the man drove the cat 40 blocks away. He put the creature out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

The man kept taking the cat farther and farther away, yet the cat would always beat him home. At last, the man decided to drive a few miles away. He turned right, then left, past a bridge, then took more turns until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man called home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," his wife answered, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man said, "Put him on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Sometimes You Don't Want to Know the Future

2009-11-09T09:29:00.002-06:00

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company, telephoned a psychic hotline to find out what his future had in store. He spoke with a psychic adviser for a little while.
She told him, "You're going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog was thrilled and said, "This is great! Where will I meet her -- at work, at a party?"
"Nope," said the psychic, "in a biology class."

Healthy? Wealthy?

2009-10-03T16:31:00.005-05:00

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack's last will and testament.

"To my dear wife, Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and $1 million. To my son, Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter, Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law, Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

Prayer for the Day

2009-10-03T16:23:00.002-05:00

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

-- Thomas Merton

Hopefully A-MOO-sing

2009-10-03T16:12:00.002-05:00

A city fellow was tooling down a country road when h is car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. Well, the man nearly jumped out of his skin, and running to the nearest farmhouse, knocked on the door and shouted, "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" as he pointed frantically back at the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down at the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh, Well, that's Betsy," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."

Uh-oh!

2009-10-03T16:09:00.002-05:00

In 1978, British firefighters were on strike, and the army filled the gap. One afternoon, the replaacement firefighters got a call to rescue a cat caught high in a tree. The soldiers rushed to the scene, put up a ladder, brought down the cat and gave it back to the owner. The woman was so grateful that she invited them in for tea, an invitation they accepted. After a wonderful time, they said goodbye, got in the truck and backed away -- over the cat.

Which prompts the question, "Could that rescue mission really be considered a success?"

From The Book of Heroic Failures

Oh my ...

2009-10-03T16:04:00.002-05:00

This story is told by Don Lipinski, elementary school teacher:

In one recent fifth-and-sixth grade social studies class, we were discussing explorers and their routes. One insightful student asked me if I thought people in this era of history were smarter than people in recent history or even today. I responded by telling the class that I believed you could place certain individuals in any place in history and they would be smart. One of the examples I used was Einstein. After finishing my example, another student shouted out, "Einstein was real?"

True Greatness

2009-10-03T16:01:00.001-05:00

If you want to be happy for an hour, take a nap. If you want to be happy for a day, go fishing. If you want to be happy for a month, get married. If you want to be happy for a lifetime, inherit a fortune. If you want to be happy for eternity, help others. Whoever want to be first must be last of all and servant of all.

-- Carl F. Schultz, Jr.

Run for the Roses

2009-09-18T18:47:00.005-05:00

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. Said the husband, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there's no 'I' in the word marriage." Chimed in the wife, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

And then, there was John, the crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"John! John! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"

John put down the newspaper, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment or two into the distance, and said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

Pithy Observations

2009-09-18T18:39:00.005-05:00

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
To prevent sagging skin, eat till the wrinkles fill out.
Laughing stock is really just a cow with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
If the shoe fits ... get another one just like it.
If it ain't broke ... you don't live in a house with kids!

And I hope you parents of college freshmen don't have the experience of the family whose son came home at Thanksgiving with a semester's worth of dirty laundry. Soon after stepping into the laundry room, he shouted to his mom, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

She called out, "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

"Tennessee!"

The Difference Between Peter and Judas

2009-09-11T15:58:00.006-05:00

Perhaps you'll enjoy Eugene Peterson's view of a surprise twist in the Scriptures. He says:
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..Among the apostles, the one absolutely stunning success was Judas, and the one thoroughly groveling failure was Peter. Judas was a success in the ways that most impress us: He was successful both financially and politically. ... And Peter was a failure in ways the we most dread: He was impotent in a crisis and socially inept. At the arrest of Jesus, he collapsed, a hapless, blustering coward; in the most critical situations of life with Jesus, the confession on the road to Caesarea Philippi and the vision on the Mount of Transfiguration, he said the most embarrassingly inappropriate things. ...

..Time, of course, has reversed our judgments on the two men. Judas is now a byword for betrayal, and Peter is one of the most honored names in the church and in the world. Judas is a villain; Peter is a saint. Yet the world continues to chase after the successes of Judas, financial wealth and political power, and to defend itself against the failures of Peter, impotence and ineptness.

Knowing When and How to Speak

2009-09-11T15:49:00.003-05:00

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

-- Howard W. Newton

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She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.

-- George Bernard Shaw

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There are three times when you should never say anything important to a person: when he is tired, when he is angry, and when he has just made a mistake!

-- Anonymous

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Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

-- Anonymous

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A gossip is someone who can give you all the details without knowing any of the facts.
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And an oldie that "bears repeating" ...
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home."

-- Anonymous

Ouch! Punctured Preacherly Pride

2009-09-04T11:52:00.005-05:00

A pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service when a woman enthusiastically shook his hand and said, "Pastor, that was a great sermon!" Flushed with pride but wanting to appear humble, the pastor said, "Oh, it wasn't me. I have to give the credit to the Lord." The woman replied, "It wasn't THAT good!"

A bishop once walked in for lunch, and as he and his wife sat down, he asked, "Do you know how many great preachers there are in the world?" Her instant reply was, "One less than you think!"

And (true story), a former District Superintendent told of how his wife liked to experiment with new recipes. One Sunday, she was eager to learn how he liked the recipe she had tried. He simply said, "Where is it?" When she brought it to him, he looked it over for a second, then tore it into bits.

A few weeks later, they were driving home from morning worship, and he asked her what she thought of his sermon that day. Her simple reply was, "Where is it?"

I guess the Lord has a LOT of helpers in keeping us humble!

On CHARACTER

2009-09-04T11:42:00.007-05:00

God is far more interested in your character than he is your comfort, or your career, because you're not taking your career to heaven, but you are taking your character.

-- Rick Warren

Character is what God and the angels know of us; reputation is what men and women think of us.

-- Horace Mann

The world is to be cleaned by somebody, and you are not called of God if you are ashamed to scrub.

-- Henry Ward Beecher

Never ... think we have a due knowledge of ourselves till we have been exposed to various kinds of temptations, and tried on every side. Integrity on one side of our character is no voucher for integrity on another. We cannot tell how we should act if brought under temptations different from those we have hitherto experienced. This thought should keep us humble. We are sinners, but we do not know how great. He alone knows who died for our sins.

-- John Henry Newman

A Time to Grow in Knowledge and Vital Piety

2009-09-04T10:16:00.003-05:00

by: Bishop Michael J. Coyner - Indiana

John Wesley declared that we in the Methodist revival tradition “bring together those two so long divided: knowledge and vital piety.” By that phrase, he meant that faith always yearns for increased learning and that education should illuminate our acts of worship and piety. Some people say our United Methodist Church is a “thinking church” - not to imply that other denominations do not think, but to emphasize that we in the tradition of John Wesley affirm the essential need for education. Nearly every United Methodist Church has a Sunday School or other forms of educational classes for children, youth and adults. Why? Because we affirm that a faithful person is also a thinking, learning, and growing person. Faith is not limited to a set of doctrines or assents to which one concurs but never challenges or debates. Faith includes education such as Bible study, small-group sharing, discussion, and growth. Wesley believed that the living core of the Christian faith was revealed in the scripture, illumined by tradition, verified in personal experience, and confirmed by reason.

Turn, Turn, Turn

2009-08-19T10:17:00.004-05:00

The guy from the city went driving in the country one day, but the signs on the road weren't very good. Eventually, he got lost. Finally, he pulled up in front of this farmhouse where he saw an old fellow sitting on the porch.

"Have you lived here all your life?" he asked. The farmer replied, "Not yet!"

"Umm, well, can you tell me how far it is to the town of Mill Pond?"

"Well," said the old farmer, "the way you're goin' it's about 24,996 miles. But if you turn around, it's about four."

And therein lies the definition of repentance.

Paying Attention

2009-08-19T09:51:00.003-05:00

A fellow went to a farmer and bought a mule, who assured him that the mule was obedient and would respond to the owner's every command. Yet, no sooner had the man started for home with his new purchase than the stubborn beast stopped in the middle of the road and refused to budge. Nothing the man tried could get it to move.

He walked back to the farmer, doing a slow burn. He accused him of false advertising.

The farmer said scarcely a word. He picked up a two-by-four and gestured to the man to come with him. The two of them walked down the road to where the mule was standing. The farmer hit the beast over the head with the two-by-four and said, "Move!" The animal complied.

"What's that all about?" demanded the mule's new owner. "You promised he'd obey my command!"

"He will," said the farmer, "but first you have to get his attention."

How do YOU respond to God's call? Do you listen to His still small voice and obey, or does He have to hit you in the head with a two-by-four to get your attention?

The Old Rugged Cross

2009-08-18T14:33:00.009-05:00

Clarence Jordan, author of the Cotton Patch New Testament translation, was getting a red-carpet tour of another minister's church. With pride the minister pointed to the rich, imported pews and luxurious decorations. As they stepped outside, darkness was falling, and a spotlight shone on a huge cross atop the steeple.

"That cross alone cost us $10,000," the minister said with a satisfied smile.

"You got cheated," said Jordan. "Times were when Christians could get them for free."

Hard Work

2009-08-18T14:03:00.005-05:00

There is an ancient Roman aqueduct near the Spanish city of Segovia. An aqueduct is a sort of elevated trestle over which water flows. This one was constructed in the year A.D. 109. For 1800 years, the aqueduct carried cool water from the mountains to the hot and thirsty city. As many as 60 generations depended on this marvel of engineering for their drinking water.

Then came another generation, in more recent years, who said to each other, "This aqueduct is an architectural marvel. It's a historical treasure that ought to be preserved. We should give it a well-earned rest."

That's exactly what they did. They detoured the water flow away from the ancient stones and channeled it through modern pipes. They put up historical markers so tourists would know who had constructed the aqueduct, and for what purpose. They celebrated the fact that their city's water system was now modern in every way.

But then, a strange thing began to happen. The Roman aqueduct began to fall apart. The sun beating down on its dry mortar, without the constant flow of water to cool it, caused to to crumble. In time, the massive structural stones threatened to fall. What 18 centuries of hard service had not been able to destroy, a few years of idleness nearly did.

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

2009-08-18T13:13:00.006-05:00

In Mourning into Dancing, Walter Wangerin tells an event in his childhood. He said he always told people that his daddy was stronger than anyone else in the world. Now, in those childhood days, a cherry tree grew in their back yard, and it was Walter's favorite hiding place. Ten feet above the ground there was a stout limb that made a horizontal fork, a cradle in which he could like face down, reading, thinking, being alone. Nobody bothered him there. Even his parents didn't know where he went to hide. Sometimes Dad would come out and call, "Wally? Wally?" but wouldn't see him hidden among the leaves. "I felt very tricky," Wangerin recalls.

But one day a wind tore through their backyard and hit the tree with such force that it tore the book Wally was reading from his hands and threw him from his limb. Hear the story as he tells it.

Then came the thunderstorm ... It was usual for me to dream in my tree and therefore not to notice changes in the weather. So if the sky grew dark or gave any warning, I didn't see it. [When the wind threw me from my limb] I locked my arms around the forking branches and hung on. My head hung down between them. I tried to wind my legs around the limb, but the whole tree was wallowing in the wind.

"Daddy!" As the wind blew he felt his arms were going to slip from the branches.

"Daddeeeee!"

Daddy saw me, and right away he came out into the wind and weather, and I felt so relieved because I just took it for granted that he would climb up the tree to get me. But that wasn't his plan at all. He came to a spot right below me and lifted his arms and shouted, "Jump!"

"What?"

"Jump, I'll catch you."

I screamed, "No!"

But as the wind continued to blow, he changed his mind. He let go.
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In a fast eternal moment I despaired and I plummeted. 'This,' I thought, 'is what it is like to die!'
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But my father's arms caught me.
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Oh, my daddy -- he had strong arms indeed. Very strong arms. But it wasn't until I actually experienced the strength that I also believed in it.
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Follow the SHEPHERD

2009-08-11T14:52:00.005-05:00

.An Episcopalian priest told of this event while leading his parishioners on a tour of the Holy Land. They were bouncing along a lonely dirt road when their Palestinian driver slowed to a stop. A flock of sheep was blocking the road. Behind the sheep a man stood yelling and beating them with something akin to a leather whip. He was trying to make them move on ahead.

Dismayed, the priest commented to the driver, "This is contrary to everything I have ever read in the Bible about a shepherd. I thought a shepherd was supposed to lead and the sheep would follow."

The Arab driver smiled and said, "He's not a shepherd. He's the butcher!"

And so it is when you feel beaten down and berated, driven by fear or criticism, it is NOT the Good Shepherd. It is the DEVIL on your back!

-- Kari Myers

Guilty Cookies -- A Fable

2009-08-11T14:36:00.004-05:00

.One day, a shopper at the local outlet mall felt the need for a coffee break. So she bought herself a little bag of cookies and put them in her shopping bag.

She then go in line for coffee, found a place to sit at one of the crowded tables, and then, taking the lid off her coffee and taking out a magazine, she began to sip her coffee and read.

Across the table from her a man sat reading a newspaper. After a minute or two, she reached out and took a cookie. As she did, the man seated across the table reached out and took one, too. This totally surprised her, but she smiled and didn't say anything.

A few moments later she took another cookie. Once again the man did so, too. Now was a bit irritated. He should get his own cookies and not presume upon her good nature.

After having a couple sips of coffee, she once again took another cookies. So did the gentleman seated across. Now she was upset -- especially since now only one cookie remained. Apparently the man also realized that only one cookie was left. Before she could say anything, he took it, broke it in half, offered half to her, and proceeded to eat the other half himself. Then he smiled at her and, putting the paper under his arm, rose and walked off.

Was she steamed! Her coffee break ruined, already thinking ahead of how she would tell this offense to her family, she folded her magazine, opened her shopping bag ... and there discovered her own unopened bag of cookies.

Funny (of a different sort)

2009-08-08T11:08:00.003-05:00

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You've probably seen this, but as my forgetful friend says, "It bears repeating!"
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Funny how tiring it is to serve God for one hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't thing of anything to say when we pray, but how easy it is to chat with a friend.
Funny how thrilled we get when a baseball game goes extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than usual.
Funny how we want a front seat at a game or concert but scramable to get a back seat at church.
Funny how we need a two- or three-week notice to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule at the last minute for other events.
Funny how big $100 looks when you take it to church, but it's so small at the mall.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best seller.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple plan of salvation, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.

-- World's Greatest Collection of Church Jokes, Paul M. Miller, ed.